wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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