Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
