Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
