when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
