I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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