The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm too high and old for this...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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