The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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