remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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