the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
