I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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