Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
