I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
