Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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