every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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