"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
