I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
