My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
