Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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