Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
