Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
