woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
