All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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