Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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