Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
