I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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