All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
only if we run a train.
done.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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