some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
