I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Can I color on your dick again?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
