my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
