rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
