Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
