The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
