I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
