Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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