grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It's Friday. Sex?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she peed on how many people?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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