I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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