No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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