i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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