I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
