When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
