I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
