I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
