she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
