Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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