I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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