dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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