Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
