We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
