this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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