yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
