mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
